I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
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So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
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It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
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