Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
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We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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