Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
