If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
