The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
