fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
