i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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