Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
