What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
