she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
