yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
