apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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