I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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