I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize