isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
