I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
