then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
