I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
