I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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