My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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