Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
