We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
