Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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