Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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