I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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