I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
