My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You're a waste of cheezeits
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
