I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Randomize
