your thong is hanging out like whoa
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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