So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
