You don't have asthma, your pregnant
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
