somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
