I am in a vortex of obligation.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
