Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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