so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
