Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
