My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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