please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
