He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
