I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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