omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
