Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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