she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
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I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
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they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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