I just threw up on my dentist
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
