The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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