omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Help. Why am I so naked?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
