dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
