Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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