from now on my penis is your penis
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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