I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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