Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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