i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
