i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
