Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
