God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
