she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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