don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
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Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!