Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
