i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
