my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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