it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
